post #3

Three posts in and I'm already slacking off (go me!). I guess I just didn't think about this completely but oh well. I also never realized what a difference one person can make in the world. (Warning: this is about to get pretty deep.). A few months ago I started a job for teens working in the community for the Parks and Recreation Department. Of course, considering I was only 14 when I first heard about the job, I really only wanted to do it because it was a low commitment way to make some money, and no other places around here will even give you a second glance when they realize you're under 16 and applying for a job. But this job ended up really changing my perspective of myself and my community, and I realized that it didn't take much to make an impact that people could appreciate. For example, one day we went to City Hall and planted succulents and other plants in the empty planter boxes. Sure, there were only 10 people (adults included) working, so it took 4 1/2 hours, but by the time we were finished, the grounds looked amazing. City workers who eat lunch in the courtyard we were working in even told our department that it looked great and they wanted to thank us for our work. However, it wasn't until I found out that we are going to be working on the park by my house that I took a step back and really discovered what I had accomplished throughout the duration of the job. I was about to invest work in something I would see every day, something I could even continue to work on and utilize for years to come. I was able to do this - yes, me! - the teenager who just wanted the job to make money. I made money, but I also made friends, and I became more confident in myself. So that's why I wrote this short little ramble about this job I have. I realized that it didn't make sense to care anymore that I'm never invited to parties my friends are always at or that I spend my Saturday nights alone thinking about someone who doesn't even know I exist and just making myself feel bad about it all. I have the power to change anything and everything about my life, and I don't need to rely on other people to make me feel good about myself. I hope anyone out there reading this post realizes that you too can make a change that people will appreciate, and I encourage everyone to go outside and do something for your community - you never know what you might learn!

xoxo, 

-ash

post #2

One thing you should know about me is that I like to plan ahead, so originally I was going to blog about regrets and the word okay but I sat down in front of my computer and realized that I have the power to talk about whatever I want to talk about, and that inspired me. So this blog may not be completely anonymous considering if any of my friends were to ever find it they would only have to read a little before realizing who writes it, but I'm going to go ahead and write about what I was going to write about anyways.

Have you ever wanted anything so bad that you thought about everything you could do or change to get what you wanted? Maybe it's just because I just watched the series finale of Gossip Girl, but I always feel like an outsider, like no matter what I do, nobody will ever care that much. I'm not trying to be mean towards any of my friends, because I honestly have the greatest friends in the world but all my life I've felt like something is different about me. I've tried every kind of method to fit in, especially in middle school, and while none of it did anything but make my life miserable, every single thing that's happened has stuck to me. Like when I was bullied for an entire year by the school's up-and-coming "it-girl" but I stood by and stayed friends with her because I wanted to feel normal, even though my on-sale Justice clothes could never compete with the it-crowd's Hollister styles. In a desperate attempt to fit in, I wrote a letter to my at-the-time best friend bashing it-girl and for an entire year was mocked by anyone who had found out about the letter. Sure, I was "popular" in seventh grade, but I still wasn't in the it-crowd. I finally gave up around the beginning of eighth grade, but of course wanted back in when the cute guy came back. I spent all of eighth grade, knowing that I would never see most of these people again, trying to impress this one guy, who could have cared less. And it's not like it got any better in high school. I still find myself trying to change for a guy who I never even talk to. In fact, the most I've ever said to him is "thanks" when he was passing out papers. And that was after an entire school year of crushing and a summer spent trying to regain any kind of sense I had left. This brings me to today, when a friend of mine asked me if I still liked the same guy. I told her I do, but I don't understand how it's possible to like someone who doesn't even associate with you. I've become that semi-stalker who writes poetry about everything I don't want people to know. No matter what I do, and how much I've changed, which, believe me, is more than I'm willing to admit, I'll never fit in the way I want to. And as it stands, I'll never have a chance with anyone until I can come to terms with what I've been through, which breaks my heart. But maybe a broken heart will be just enough to finally let me fit in, or at least accept that I never will.

xoxo,

-ash

post #1

Don't you just hate when you can't get the food you want? All I wanted was some good pizza. 

So here it is, my first post. Basically I'm just going to write about the reality of being a teenager, as shown through my life. I have to forewarn you that I will probably rant, like, a lot. And I sometimes will be inconsistent. But that's kind of why I have a blog. 

School started a few weeks ago. Nothing too exciting has happened so far, although I did have a really fun time going to the first football game on Friday night. My friends are some pretty interesting people, let me just say that. We spent a lot of time charging our phones in both the bathroom and the locker room, walking around the track, and questioning why people from our rival school were there supporting our school. For real people? You mock us for not having spirit and sucking at sports but you show up to our games to support us? Seems a bit hypocritical, doesn't it? 

Sadly, there really is no drama for me to complain about what with the school year being so new, but I promise to update as often and as relevant as possible. 

Bye for now :)

xoxo,

-ash