post #2

One thing you should know about me is that I like to plan ahead, so originally I was going to blog about regrets and the word okay but I sat down in front of my computer and realized that I have the power to talk about whatever I want to talk about, and that inspired me. So this blog may not be completely anonymous considering if any of my friends were to ever find it they would only have to read a little before realizing who writes it, but I'm going to go ahead and write about what I was going to write about anyways.

Have you ever wanted anything so bad that you thought about everything you could do or change to get what you wanted? Maybe it's just because I just watched the series finale of Gossip Girl, but I always feel like an outsider, like no matter what I do, nobody will ever care that much. I'm not trying to be mean towards any of my friends, because I honestly have the greatest friends in the world but all my life I've felt like something is different about me. I've tried every kind of method to fit in, especially in middle school, and while none of it did anything but make my life miserable, every single thing that's happened has stuck to me. Like when I was bullied for an entire year by the school's up-and-coming "it-girl" but I stood by and stayed friends with her because I wanted to feel normal, even though my on-sale Justice clothes could never compete with the it-crowd's Hollister styles. In a desperate attempt to fit in, I wrote a letter to my at-the-time best friend bashing it-girl and for an entire year was mocked by anyone who had found out about the letter. Sure, I was "popular" in seventh grade, but I still wasn't in the it-crowd. I finally gave up around the beginning of eighth grade, but of course wanted back in when the cute guy came back. I spent all of eighth grade, knowing that I would never see most of these people again, trying to impress this one guy, who could have cared less. And it's not like it got any better in high school. I still find myself trying to change for a guy who I never even talk to. In fact, the most I've ever said to him is "thanks" when he was passing out papers. And that was after an entire school year of crushing and a summer spent trying to regain any kind of sense I had left. This brings me to today, when a friend of mine asked me if I still liked the same guy. I told her I do, but I don't understand how it's possible to like someone who doesn't even associate with you. I've become that semi-stalker who writes poetry about everything I don't want people to know. No matter what I do, and how much I've changed, which, believe me, is more than I'm willing to admit, I'll never fit in the way I want to. And as it stands, I'll never have a chance with anyone until I can come to terms with what I've been through, which breaks my heart. But maybe a broken heart will be just enough to finally let me fit in, or at least accept that I never will.

xoxo,

-ash